The Critter Corner

The Caltech undergraduate population has, despite its small size, a diverse variety of species that make up the techer population. This week we’ll embark on an in-depth analysis of a peculiar invasive species of Techer that has emerged in the Caltech ecosystem: the iPad Kid. We will examine the case study of the Bitchicus Matticus genus and species.

You may be asking, why are we examining the B. Matticus? The B. Matticus is the most prolific subspecies of iPad Kid, amassing to what can only be refered to as a cult following. In order to call upon his followers he shouts “¡Hola Niños!” in a manner that can only be described as Dick Cheney getting kicked in the balls. The B. Matticus has exhibited a prolific desire to increase its sphere of influence amongst¹ Techers at the school. An example of this behavior has been presented by researcher Reeya Chenanda (EE ‘23). The artifact pictured below appears to be a covfefe mug with the face of the B. Matticus which other species refer to as “based” despite a small portion of the Techer population regaurding the mug as “cringe”.

Despite its ability to amass a cult following, the B. Matticus has a few flaws that have proven to be near fatal and has almost led to the extinction of the iPad Kid species as a whole. One behavior that has resulted in several close calls is the tendency the B. Matticus to remain in the middle of Purple Alley watching “good” content on his phone - simular manner as one holds an iPad - leaving the B. Matticus vulnerable to NERF gun assults by the predatory Lloyd frosh. The other observed fatal behavior observed is the tendency to ██████████████ ████████ ███ ███████ █████ ██████████ ██ ███████████. This will prompt the R. Kavya - from which the B. Matticus has form a symbiotic relationship - to further contemplate the manner to which she will hunt the B. Matticus to extinction.

This has been Critter Corner. Next, time on Critter Corner: the subspieces of Skurves - do they all have a screw loose? I am Jonathan Booker. Until next time.