Transcript of Admissions Tour Leaked
Are you a REAL CALTECH STUDENT if you have never attended one of the Undergraduate Admission Office’s HOT, FACTUALLY-CORRECT, and VERY FUN tours lead by the current generation of Caltech students themselves??? Well, don’t worry if you haven’t gone to one yet! Because this VERY ARTICLE will tell you all the HOT, NEW, and FACTUALLY-CORRECT deeds of the admission tour!!!!
Tour Guide: “Hi, welcome to Caltech!”
Leek: This is true; we are at Caltech.
TG: “Students typically hang out at the boba shops, coffeeshops, and restaurants on Lake Avenue…”
L: Unfortunately, Winchell’s is the only one open at 4:20am.
TG: “There are a lot of places to explore around campus, for example, the LA area, the Huntington Museums—”
L: There are also a lot of places to explore on campus! For example, [REDACTED], [REDACTED], which is located on [REDACTED]. There is also [REDACTED], [REDACTED], where students go to [REDACTED], and [REDACTED]. Be sure not to miss the [ REDATEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED] which happens at [REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED] every [REDACTED]. This is absolute [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED] information!
TG: “Now, the House system is one of the most unique parts of an undergraduate experience, and each student get to choose the Houses that they want to be in, following rotation. It is very likely that you will get in within the top 3 of your choices–”
L: #rankDabney4th, frosh
TG: “In the Houses, you get to meet very cool people! The Houses are co-ed, mixed-grades, and mixed-majors – the only thing you are bound together with is your interest in the House that you are in. These might be among the most important people you will meet in your life – they are your housemate, your mentors, your collaborators, and most of all – your dearest friends.”
L: :)
TG: “Now moving on to food. We have Red Door cafe, which serves your usual coffee-and-sandwich shop menu, and Browne Door, which serves your typical cafeteria food—”
L: Remember to BYOS (bring your own seasoning)! Also if you are vegetarian, vegan, have any kind of dietary restriction – BYOF (bring your own food)!
TG: [INSERT JPL LORE AT GUGGENHEIM HERE]
L: Well I do hope everybody knows that story, because I’m not about to type all of that out.
TG: “— That’s why at Caltech, it’s so easy to find a research project for programs like SURF! All you need to do is email any professors that you want to work with, write a research proposal, and click submit!”
L: Well, uh, about that. They didn’t reply to your email? Have you tried follow-up? Oh, still no reply? Okay, how about the other thirty professors in the department? Still nothing? If you are a CS major, you can work in any department, you know, they need coders anywhere— Oh, even the Geology projects are out? Heck. Uhm, have you tried the graduate students? No? Hey, keep emailing, maybe they will reply to your email, you can totally finish the proposal in, like, a day, right?
TG: “Now, onto the arguably most beautiful location on campus – the Turtle Pond! Here, we will see our most beautiful wildlife on campus – our turtles. They’re very cute and small – be careful not to step on them!”
L: You know what we don’t talk about enough? Squirrels. Beware of the squirrels. They tried to steal my nuts once. Do not look into their eyes as they come flitting past – but know their shapes of their shadow, as they tower over your great false sense of freedom. Do you hear it? Their whisper in your ears? Beckoning you to free the vicious beast chained but untamed by your every breath? Are you avoiding its eyes the same way you avoid the truth staring at the back of your head like the settling sun, like those great animals that swallow up the land before you could comprehend your own gravity? Look away from the squirrel. Look away. Don’t let them do this. Look away from that monster your heart failed to subdue. Run.
TG: “Caltech is a NCAA Division III school, which means that we have a perfect mixture between athletes who want to continue playing after high school, or athletes who just started out. The facilities are also open for anybody to use!”
L: Yeah, yeah, do some exercise, kids. Make sure not to miss your recitations— Oh, they’re during practice time? Oops.
TG: Frosh core
TG: Bechtel joke
TG: Avery p*ss printer joke
TG: something something frosh
L: you CALL first-year frosh?? you CALL first-year frosh as in the not-gender-neutral-term-that-the-word-frosh-is-trying-to-avoid freshman? Oh! Oh! JAIL FOR TOUR GUIDE!! JAIL FOR TOUR GUIDE FOR ONE THOUSAND YEAR!!!!