Caltech Timely Warning Crime Bulletin: Aggravated Assault

On Wednesday, June 7, 2023 at 2:12 p.m., Caltech undergraduates received the following email:

Caltech Notification System

This Timely Warning Bulletin is being issued in compliance with the Jeanne Clery Act. The purpose is to provide preventative information to the campus community to aid members from becoming the victim of a crime.

Summary: On June 7, 2023, at around 7:30 a.m., while unlocking the Tournament Park parking lot, south of the Braun Athletic Center, Caltech Security officers observed a red Chevy utility van parked in the parking lot. As officers were questioning the individual, the man produced a “samurai”-style sword and charged the officers. The officers retreated to Wilson Ave. and notified the Pasadena Police Department. The suspect fled the area in the van. Pasadena Police searched the area for the individual but were unable to locate him. The department is investigating this incident. Pasadena Police will share additional information as it becomes available. Caltech Security has increased patrols in the area.

Suspect: The suspect is described as a white adult male in his late ’20s, approximately 5 feet, 10 inches tall, weighing 170 pounds, and with shoulder-length black hair. The suspect was wearing a black shirt with white lettering on the back, black pants, and black shoes. He had tattoos on both sides of his face on his upper cheeks and had a light brown chihuahua dog with him.

Information & Questions: Anyone with information or questions should contact Caltech Security by calling 626-395-4701.

Safety Tips: Caltech Security offers the following basic safety precautions to all members of the community:

• Be aware of your surroundings and look assertive. • Report suspicious activity or packages to security. • Walk with friends or coworkers when possible. • Trust your intuition. If a particular situation makes you feel uncomfortable, choose an alternative. • If you feel threatened on campus, look for a call box for emergency assistance, or call Security at (626) 395-5000. • Program the phone number for Caltech Security into your cell phone (626) 395-4701 (non-emergency) or (626) 395-5000 (emergency).

Shortly afterward, The California Tech received the following anonymous communiqué:

Dear Editor,

I’m so fucking tired of Caltech. We’re hit with this endless string of assignments and sets and projects and exams. It eats up into our precious time — time that is finite, that we’re wasting on all this bullshit. And then, in the few wee hours that we get to keep for ourselves, that we are spared for our own limited leisure, THEY TRY TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US. Can’t a man just fucking chill in his fucking van and enjoy the beautiful fucking morning? Why do these fucking feds have to pester us just for fucking existing? It’s all this pussy-footed liberal bullshit that’s permeated into our day-to-day lives. Caltech is just like all the other East Coast elitists institutions, parroting this LGBTQ-Omicron bullshit at us. It’s not just Caltech. It’s all of main stream media. It’s everywhere. They blare out all sorts of disgusting propaganda about the “theory” that we came from fucking monkeys and fish and shit. Then they tell you that God isn’t really, that instead the universe is governed by fucking SUSY symmetries and “statistical” “mechanics.” They’re starting to put all this soyed-up men, twirling in short little skirts and with these GMO-modified cat ears grafted on their fucking hair, on my Tik Tok For You page to try to weaken my resolve. They’re trying to prevent men — real men like me, mind you — from existing. That’s why we should all stay armed. That’s why I sharpen my katana every day, vigilant, because I know that one day the government (Caltech) is gonna try to take away my way of life and shove a bunch Fruity Pebbles (EXTRA SOY MILK) down my throat. Jesus fucking Christ. Just let me and my Chihauhau live in peace goddamn. That’s all I want. Peace. One. Peace.