Leaks Reveal H_____ M___’s Secret Plans to “Thiever” Bernoulli the Beaver Statue

The Tech recently received an anonymous tip warning of a secret plan by H_____ M___, which may already be in progress, to steal the Caltech Beaver. Very little is known about H_____ M___; all attempts by Tech reporters to ascertain their true identity seem to be met with a powerful amnestic force. The only piece of evidence that was approved for print by Caltech’s Infohazard Repression Bureau (IRB) was a photograph of a bulletin board detailing what appear to be the fruits of a reconnaissance mission. It is currently unknown whether H_____ M___ agents have already infiltrated the grounds of the athletic department, or whether there are spies among us. One source alleged that a theft had already been attempted, but it had failed since H_____ M___ didn’t know the statue was attached to a buried foundation.

The bulletin board in the photo, displaying a crudely-drawn aerial view of the entrance to Braun Gym and the courtyard surrounding Bernoulli the Beaver a la Kevin McCallister, contains centimeter-precision measurements of the distance between the bollards at the courtyard entrance. Presumably this was to determine the feasibility of bringing a truck or crane up next to the statue, as is scrawled sideways in black sharpie. The designers of this bulletin also seem to be obsessed with beavers in general, as deduced from the presence of the I ‘HEART’ BEAVER t-shirt and bumper sticker.

In conclusion, I believe I speak for the whole Caltech community when I say: y’all can have him!

Dear esteemed Editor of the California Technological Newspaper Establishment,

Don’t you remember the magical feeling you felt in your tummy when you first locked your gaze with Bernoulli the Beaver? That instant trauma-bond connection you felt as your eyes lost focus to match his ‘Far-Away Stare’? I remember the naming contests like it was yesterday, when the idea of our bronze protector was birthed by the Athletics department’s craving to spend excess donation money on a quirky endeavor.

Ever since, our school pride has shot up! We even started a football team whose games we ALL go to every Friday to cheer and sing! (In addition to all the existing sports teams whose games we ALL attend to cheer and sing!)

Oh, the American college experience, how we’ve missed you.

But,

_It seems we’re not special. _

Some particularly self-disfigured stick figures have begun a scheme to win him over.
Not on our campus I say!
Although we were all sussed out by our beloved bulbous metallic mascot at first, the stockholm syndrome he embodies has grown on us. He is what we think of when someone mentions the word Caltech.
I feel that I can speak for many of us when I say we have dreamed of building a shrine dedicated to Bernoulli and his beloved twigs._ (oh… the twigs… so long and thin…)_
BUT NOW, this stands at risk. Everything we’ve been through, a year (?) down the line!
How could this happen? IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF THE MUDD HOMEWRECKER CONSPIRATORS

…

To be honest, now that I’ve had a chance to wallow in mourning and remove the orange tinted heart-shaped glasses bestowed unto me by our once cherished Bernoulli, I’ve had a chance to realize that… you know what… THEY can have him!

It’s time that we start prepping for Hot Techer summer.

We will stand by and watch the tea unfold with a Red Door TBA in one hand, and a problem set in the other, unbothered and free.

It is therefore that I cordially invite the Muddy thieves to do as they please. In fact, I encourage it.

See you soon!

XOXO,

@therealcaltechedu

To my dear editor of the California Institute of Technology Newspaper,

I write to you today to address a rather peculiar letter that seems to have slipped into the last edition of the Tech. As a fellow Caltech student, I am supremely embarrassed by the lack of school spirit that @therealcaltechedu seems to display in reference to Bernoulli (or Bernie, as I lovingly call him).

Phrases such as “instant trauma-bond connection” and “Stockholm syndrome,” while they certainly have their place among classes at our great school, shouldn’t be pointed towards a masterpiece of sculpting like that of Bernie.

After all, I can’t think of a better use of Caltech funds than such a well-crafted and charismatic beaver. My jaw dropped when I first walked to Braun gym and saw Bern-Bern’s textured fur, sharp eyes, witty smile, and rather well-endowed tail. He is a great homage to our wonderful school and all that it stands for, and I am downright furious that you would publish a letter asking for him to be refurbished, let alone stolen from us by those Muddy thieves. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I couldn’t continue with my daily 6 am walks to the gym to add to his sticks and brush the leaves off his body.

I beg of you to condemn the vile @therealcaltechedu for their crimes against CIT or issue a corrective statement in response to their last letter at the very least. Thank you for your consideration.

As an aside toward those at Mudd who would wish harm upon Bernoulli, his presence would be wasted among your brutalist architecture and barren campus.

Best, A Disgruntled Techer