On the Philosophy of Happiness IV

The Paradox: Stop Chasing Happiness Here’s something that’s going to blow your mind: you can’t become happy by chasing happiness. It’s like trying to fall asleep by trying really hard to fall asleep — the trying IS the problem. Philosophers call this “the paradox of hedonism,” and John Stuart Mill learned it the hard way.

Mill was this child genius who was educated to be the perfect rational human. And at age 20, he had a complete mental breakdown. He realized that achieving happiness through accomplishment that he’d actually made himself miserable. Know what cured him? Stopping the pursuit of happiness and pursuing things that mattered to him instead.

“Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.” — John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)

Think about the times you’ve actually felt happy — really happy, not just “this looks good on social media” happy. Were you thinking about happiness in those moments? No. You were absorbed in something: a deep conversation, a creative project, helping someone, learning something fascinating, being in nature, playing music, whatever.

Happiness is a byproduct. It emerges when you’re engaged in meaningful activities — things that matter to you, that serve something larger than your own comfort. This has been proven by modern psychology: people with a strong sense of purpose report way higher life satisfaction than people who just pursue pleasure and comfort.

Viktor Frankl — who survived Auschwitz and watched fellow prisoners either survive or give up — noticed something profound: the people who made it weren’t necessarily the strongest or healthiest. They were the ones who had a reason to live. A project to complete. Someone to reunite with. A meaning they were serving. He built an entire therapy approach (logotherapy) around this: meaning is what makes life bearable, even under the worst circumstances.

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” — Viktor Frankl (1905-1997), quoting Nietzsche

So stop asking “How can I be happy?” Start asking “What’s worth doing with my life? What problems do I want to solve? What do I want to create? What matters enough that I’d willingly struggle for it?” Answer those questions, pursue those things, and happiness will sneak up on you when you’re not looking.

Serve Something Bigger Than Yourself This is going to sound cheesy, but it’s true: your deepest satisfaction won’t come from getting stuff or achieving status. It’ll come from contributing to something larger than yourself. This doesn’t mean you have to cure cancer or solve world hunger. It means finding something — ANYTHING — that you care about beyond your own comfort and consumption.

That could be art, teaching, environmental work, parenting, building something useful, fighting for justice, preserving knowledge—or just being the friend who shows up.

Aristotle was big on this: humans are social animals. You literally cannot flourish in isolation. Your happiness is tied to the well-being of people around you. This is why pure self-interest always feels empty, and why service — even small acts — feels fulfilling.

Find your “why” that’s bigger than “because it’ll make me happy.” That’s the foundation.

The People Thing: Why You Can’t DIY Happiness You can nail everything else — have a clear purpose, develop your character, find your meaning — and still be miserable if you’re isolated or surrounded by toxic people.

Aristotle wrote TWO ENTIRE BOOKS about friendship. Not success. Friendship. He understood that humans are fundamentally social creatures, and happiness divorced from quality relationships is impossible. He broke down friendships into three types:

1. Utility friendships: You’re friends because it’s mutually beneficial. Study partners, work connections, networking contacts. Nothing wrong with these, but they’re surface level. When the utility ends, so does the friendship.
2. Pleasure friendships: You’re friends because you have fun together. Party friends, gaming buddies, people you grab drinks with. These are great, but they’re circumstantial. When the good times end or life changes, these often fade.
3. Virtue friendships: You’re friends because you genuinely respect each other’s character and want the best for each other. These people see the real you and love you anyway. They celebrate your wins without jealousy. They show up when things get hard. These are the friendships that matter.

“In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge.” — Aristotle (384-322 BCE)

You’re going to have all three types in college. And that’s fine. But invest most of your energy in finding and keeping those category-three friends. Quality over quantity, always. Five real friends beat 500 Instagram followers every single time.

And romantic relationships? Oh boy. This is where you’re going to make some mistakes. You’re going to confuse intensity for compatibility. You’re going to stay in relationships past their expiration date. You’re going to chase people who are wrong for you and overlook people who are right.

Romantic love is amazing, but it’s not a replacement for having your own sense of purpose and self-worth. The Stoics warned that attachment brings pain (true). The Romantics said passionate love is life’s ultimate meaning (also kinda true). The reality? Love is incredible when it’s between two people who are already working on themselves and have their own sources of meaning. Love should ADD to your happiness, not BE your happiness.

I-Thou vs. I-It (Or: Stop Using People) Martin Buber had this insight that’s going to change how you think about relationships. He said there are two ways to relate to people: “I-Thou” and “I-It.”

I-It relationships: You’re treating the person as an object — a means to an end. You’re dating them for status. You’re friends with them for connections. You’re networking. You’re using them. We all do this sometimes, but when ALL your relationships are transactional, you end up isolated even when surrounded by people.

I-Thou relationships: You’re engaging with the person as a whole human being worthy of respect and care in their own right. You’re not trying to get something from them. You’re genuinely connecting — seeing them, being seen by them. This is where real love and friendship live.

“All real living is meeting.” — Martin Buber (1878-1965)

Real love — the kind that actually contributes to happiness — flows from fullness, not emptiness. From strength, not neediness. From choice, not desperation. First, become a whole person. Then find another whole person.

Be Here Now (Stop Time-Traveling in Your Head) When was the last time you were actually HERE? Not physically here while your mind is somewhere else, but actually PRESENT in the moment? Yeah, I thought so. You’re either ruminating about something that happened yesterday or last week or three years ago, OR you’re anxiously anticipating something that might happen tomorrow or next month or after graduation.

Here’s the thing: the past is gone. The future doesn’t exist yet. The only moment that’s actually REAL is right now. And you’re missing it. You’re missing your actual life because you’re mentally time-traveling.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, which is why we call it the present.” — Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

This isn’t just philosophical woo-woo. Buddhist meditation practices, Stoic exercises, and modern mindfulness research all point to the same truth: most of your suffering happens when your mind leaves the present moment.

Buddhist mindfulness practice is basically training yourself to notice when your mind has wandered off into past/future land and gently bringing it back to now. When you’re actually present, happiness becomes accessible — not as some future achievement, but as a quality of awareness you can tap into right now.

Marcus Aurelius — emperor of Rome, remember — had to constantly remind himself in his journal: stay in the present. Don’t let your mind drift into regrets about yesterday or anxieties about tomorrow. The man was running an empire and still struggled with this. You’re not alone.

“Confine yourself to the present.” — Marcus Aurelius (121-180 CE)

Try this right now: Put your phone down. Take three deep breaths. Notice five things you can see. Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear. Two things you can smell. One thing you can taste. That’s it. That’s mindfulness. That’s coming back to now. And if you do this regularly, you’ll find pockets of peace that were there all along, hidden beneath your mental noise.

Your Attention Is Being Stolen (Fight Back) Your attention is your most valuable resource. Not time. Not money. Where your attention goes, your life follows. Right now, your attention is being stolen by algorithms designed to keep you scrolling, apps engineered to be addictive, and a culture that profits from your distraction.

The ancient Greeks called this prosoche — vigilant attention, constant awareness of where your mind is and what it’s doing. They knew 2,000 years ago what we’re relearning now: the quality of your attention determines the quality of your life.

Can you have a full conversation without checking your phone? Can you read for 30 minutes without getting distracted? Can you sit with a friend and be fully present? These are becoming rare superpowers, and they’re directly correlated with happiness.

Here’s your challenge: practice doing one thing at a time. Not studying while Netflix plays in the background. Not scrolling while half-listening to a friend. Not eating while watching YouTube. One thing. Start with five minutes a day and build from there. This alone will change your life.